Time slips through my fingers like precious coins spent in pursuit of trivia, shopping, school trips, cleaning house, daily necessities like showers, drying my hair, brushing teeth, sleep.
Now I’m retired it’s no different except the annoying need to rest more often, to chill, times when mind or body sink in exhaustion telling me – enough! At such times I resort to a good book, movie or puzzle, but something tells me I’m missing the point somehow.
I know it’s about focus, when I’m focused I accomplish far more and prioritize better, yet I find myself stumbling through days in a never ending muddle, like a car wandering slowly down the road with no one at the wheel, life happening upon me rather than under my direction. (There’s a time we need to grab the wheel and take control lest we amble off a cliff!) It’s not that I don’t have the time it’s more how I spend it. It’s not the doing of the trivia that’s the problem but the focusing on it.
You see something burns inside me. There is something more here I’m meant to do but I haven’t quite found it. Presently I can’t see the wood for the trees, and time is running short, so is power and energy.
I’ve always been a bit of a “fighter”, often achieving the “impossible”. My life is strewn with miracles and fulfilled dreams. I have been greatly blessed! Yet I know there is something yet to do, an intangible “something” that I can’t quite put my finger on, hidden by the fog of “doings”, a thing that will fulfill me, and my final purpose here.
I need a retreat, a time to thoroughly cleanse my mind of the trivia and focus, a time to stop my “business” and take new compass readings on where I go from here. The rest of my life and the things I choose to surround it with are mine to choose. I know I’m meant to write, to pass on those things I’ve learnt in my journeying to others, but what exact form that should take is a mystery.
I’m reminded of when I made sculpture. Like Michelangelo, I always felt there was a sculpture hidden within the block and all I had to do was chip away the excess to find it. Life is like that too, sometimes you just kind of feel your way towards something and the image becomes clearer and more defined. You don’t always need to know your destination to begin the journey.