A Man in the Making.

Standard

from July 2014

Song Bird Songs

don

Two big puppy dog eyes, too innocent for a nine year old, shine out above an over sized smile, topping arms and legs like a gangling colt. He seems all eyes and smile balanced precariously on winnowy stilts, never still for a moment. He’s growing up now, character forming, his questions get deeper as he gets longer.
I asked him why he pays such exaggerated compliments to the middle aged crossing lady, saying she looks more beautiful every day etc. He pondered seriously for a moment then said he likes to make people happy, it made him feel good.
The lolly-pop lady is not the only one, every day he leaves a trail of smiles behind as we wend our way to school and back, every dog must be complimented, every baby admired, every child waved to. He sees the whole world as friends or potential friends. He sees things…

View original post 117 more words

It’s Spring Let’s Dance!

Standard

DSC_0027

There’s just something about Morris dancers that brings out my English side (which tends to be quite diluted by my many travels). The bright colors, cheery smiles and simple country dances evoke echoes of a far simpler past.

Like the the Victorian book of hand illustrated poetry that presently adorns my bedside table they recall a rich heritage which so often lies buried beneath, hustle, bustle, cell phones and technology. It must be so for those of other lands also.

DSC_0025

The gay rhythms and crash of the sticks beat to a slower time a life attuned to season and nature. A time morality was more straight forward, the world less complex.

DSC_0022

The childlike naivety of the dance recalls memories of a time when I was young and love and courtship seemed more innocent and pure.

(Photos from my Easter in Weymouth)

50 shades of abuse? (Copy paste from face book)

Standard

darcy

A Psychiatrist’s Letter to Young People about Fifty Shades of Grey

fiftyshadesArticle taken from Miriam Grossman MD
February 11, 2015

There’s nothing gray about Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s all black.

Let me explain.

I help people who are broken inside. Unlike doctors who use x-rays or blood tests to determine why someone’s in pain, the wounds that interest me are hidden. I ask questions, and listen carefully to the answers. That’s how I discover why the person in front of me is “bleeding”.

Years of careful listening have taught me a lot. One thing I’ve learned is that young people are utterly confused about love – finding it and keeping it. They make poor choices, and end up in lots of pain.

I don’t want you to suffer like the people I see in my office, so I’m warning you about a new movie called Fifty Shades of Grey. Even if you don’t see the film, its toxic message is seeping into our culture, and could plant dangerous ideas in your head.

Fifty Shades of Grey is being released for Valentine’s Day, so you’ll think it’s a romance, but don’t fall for it. The movie is actually about a sick, dangerous relationship filled with physical and emotional abuse. It seems glamorous, because the actors are gorgeous, have expensive cars and planes, and Beyonce is singing. You might conclude that Christian and Ana are cool, and that their relationship is acceptable.

Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated! The people behind the movie just want your money; they have no concern whatsoever about you and your dreams.

Abuse is not glamorous or cool.  It is never OK, under any circumstances.

This is what you need to know about Fifty Shades of Grey: as a child, Christian Grey was terribly neglected. He is confused about love because he never experienced the real thing. In his mind, love is tangled up with bad feelings like pain and embarrassment.  Christian enjoys hurting women in bizarre ways. Anastasia is an immature girl who falls for Christian’s looks and wealth, and foolishly goes along with his desires.

In the real world, this story would end badly, with Christian in jail, and Ana in a shelter – or morgue. Or Christian would continue beating Ana, and she’d stay and suffer. Either way, their lives would most definitely not be a fairy tale. Trust me on this one.

As a doctor, I’m urging you: DON’T see Fifty Shades of Grey. Get informed, learn the facts, and explain to your friends why they shouldn’t see it either.

Here are a few of the dangerous ideas promoted by Fifty Shades of Grey:

1. Girls want guys like Christian who order them around and get rough.

No! A psychologically healthy woman avoids pain. She wants to feel safe, respected and cared for by a man she can trust. She dreams about wedding gowns, not handcuffs.

2. Guys want a girl like Anastasia who is meek and insecure.

Wrong. A psychologically healthy man wants a woman who can stand up for herself.  If he is out of line, he wants her to set him straight.

3. Anastasia exercises free choice when she consents to being hurt, so no one can judge her decision.

Flawed logic. Sure, Anastasia had free choice – and she chose poorly. A self-destructive decision is a bad decision.

4. Anastasia makes choices about Christian in a thoughtful and detached manner.

Doubtful. Christian constantly supplies Anastasia with alcohol, impairing her judgment.  Also, Anastasia becomes sexually active with Christian – her first experience ever – soon after meeting him. Neuroscience suggests their intimacy could jump start her feelings of attachment and trust, before she’s certain he deserved them.  Sex is a powerful experience – particularly the first time.
Finally, Christian manipulates Anastasia into signing an agreement prohibiting her from telling anyone that he is a long time abuser.

Alcohol, sex, manipulation – hardly the ingredients of a thoughtful, detached decision.

5.   Christian’s emotional problems are cured by Anastasia’s love.

Only in a movie. In the real world, Christian wouldn’t change to any significant degree. If Anastasia was fulfilled by helping emotionally disturbed people, she should have become a psychiatrist or social worker.

6. It’s good to experiment with sexuality.

Maybe for adults in a healthy, long term, committed, monogomous relationship, AKA “marriage”.  Otherwise, you’re at high risk for STDs, pregnancy, and sexual assault. It’s wise to be very careful who you allow to get close to you, physically and emotionally, because just one encounter can throw you off track and change your life forever.

The bottom line: the ideas of Fifty Shades of Grey  are dangerous, and can lead to confusion and poor decisions about love. There are vast differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships, but the movie blurs those differences, so you begin to wonder: what’s healthy in a relationship? What’s sick? There are so many shades of grey…I’m not sure.

Listen, it’s your safety and future we’re talking about here. There’s no room for doubt: an intimate relationship that includes violence, consensual or not, is completely unacceptable.

This is black and white. There are no shades of grey here. Not even one.

drgrossman-aboutMiriam Grossman, MD is a medical doctor with training in pediatrics and in the specialty of child, adolescent, and adult psychiatry. She is also the author of Unprotected and You’re Teaching My Child WHAT?

A Man in the Making.

Standard

don

Two big puppy dog eyes, too innocent for a nine year old, shine out above an over sized smile, topping arms and legs like a gangling colt. He seems all eyes and smile balanced precariously on winnowy stilts, never still for a moment. He’s growing up now, character forming, his questions get deeper as he gets longer.
I asked him why he pays such exaggerated compliments to the middle aged crossing lady, saying she looks more beautiful every day etc. He pondered seriously for a moment then said he likes to make people happy, it made him feel good.
The lolly-pop lady is not the only one, every day he leaves a trail of smiles behind as we wend our way to school and back, every dog must be complimented, every baby admired, every child waved to. He sees the whole world as friends or potential friends. He sees things as they should be not as they are. Like a tiny Don Quixote he somehow seems to ignore school bullies and bossy teachers. The existence of evil phrases him only till his lively mind skips to another subject.
He’s growing up I remind myself, the open smile will one day be tempered, the worlds weighed against peer pressure as his body fills out into man hood. What will he be like I wonder? He will loose his childish innocence, but will something be retained? I think of my own son, now grown. Yes, it is possible, in the boy lie the seed of a man, if carefully tended they can grow strong while keeping a tender heart.